Friday's Top 10: Favorite things
Top Ten lists will now and forever be a way for busy or lazy me to still squeeze in my weekly blog post.... or still miss by one day.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of brown paper packages tied up with string, but here are a few of my truly favorite things... (off the top of my head)
10. Driving like a race car driver no matter where I go and always, always cursing at other cars; independent of whether they are driving slow or tailgating me- I am always in the right. Are you the center of the universe? No, I am. Go away.
9. Total strangers high-fiving at professional/college sporting events (or at bars, whilst watching aforementioned events).
8. Quoting a movie and then having others know exactly what you are talking about and spending the next 15 minutes trading movie quotes and/or impersonations of the film, character or actor.
7. The first time each spring I notice the weather is nice enough for girls to go running in their warm weather clothes : )
6. Three day weekends (specifically having Monday off), nothing amps-up a weekend like 2 Saturdays in a row.
5. Organized drinking events for people over 25. Yeah life sucks after college, the good news is, it just keeps getting worse. The best remedy (albeit a temporary one); get together with a bunch of like-minded, disappointed individuals that are all in desperate need to blow-off some grown-up steam and act like your still in college (three day weekends are a good opportunity to implore this self-medication without compromising your scheduled trips to Lowe's and Bed, Bath and Beyond).*
*- Please note: The more fun you have on the weekend, the worse Monday will be. Nope, there's no way to win. Good luck.
4. Finding out that a "poop transplant" can be used to successfully fight the dangerous infection Clostridium difficile.
3. Major network news reporters using the word 'poop' on live TV.
2. Aaron Rodgers Championship Belt Motion
1. Finding out that coming up with a clever top 10 list, probably took just as long -if not longer- than writing a normal blog posting.
Happy Monday.
Monday, February 07, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Observations at the Gym
So I hit up the gym before work many week days... it ramps up my work day and forces me to perform a focused workout in 45 minutes... Here are a 3 things I came across just today that I feel the need to get off my chest, no pun intended (you'll see why)...
1. I'm walking from the toilet to my locker, after my lucky pre-workout bowel movement. I pass the urinals to see a grown man, fully nude standing at the urinals barefoot taking a wizz- with his towel around his shoulders. His hair is wet, which tells me he has already showered. This raises two important concerns:
A: why does his towel only need to dry his shoulders? Why not use it to dry (or at least cover) his wet, hairy ass cheeks that he is apparently so proud of? Look, I love gagging in public and having to avert my eyes around every possible corner as much as the next guy in the locker room. But if you're so proud of that specific body part, I'd imagine you'd want to take proper care of it. That's not the kind of gluteual-trophy you want to leave to the pitfalls of air-drying, lord only knows what kind of tangled mess could result without proper drying technique followed by detailed attention to combing (with the grain) using the 'my little pony' hair brush he stole from his theater-loving son.
B: He is barefoot standing at a urinal, post shower. We all know that despite our ability to aim when we pee, no man is perfect and there's also the 'dribble factor,' to account for. Having to control the flow of urine during drastic changes in pressure and trajectory is no easy feet; I'm not a fireman. So its safe to say the area all around the urinal is covered (at least partially) in urine- this tells me he is okay with (or oblivious to) spending the rest of the day with other mens' urine caked to the bottom of his feet, left to fester in the heat and moisture of a socked-foot within a shoe. Not really my business, but the observation simply reinforces my decision to own my own bowling shoes.
2. I'm walking back to my locker, clean and towel-clad following my post workout shower. When I come to my row of lockers I am faced with man-euvering past a half-naked old man- my favorite. Thanks to the economy-sized locker room, we have little room to execute a masculinely acceptable man-pass, even if both parties perform flawlessly. However, in this instance one party (not me) happens to be an octogenarian that is blinder and deafer than my parents 16-year-old Yorkshire Terrier (who has btw, earned the nickname "Terminator" over the last 3 years, because he just won't die). So I come up on this old man's blind side (like an invisible Lawrence Taylor) and I say 'excuse me.' Well, he doesn't see or hear me and continues about his business of getting naked before suiting up in his crusty old jock strap and bitchin racquetball tracksuit. As I pass, he obliviously leans back to remove his business socks and my chest makes tender, innocent contact with his upper back. 'Excuse me,' I say again; he jumps forward startled as though I were the ghost of Patrick Swazee and he Demi Moore- No we did not renact the sensual pot-throwing scene from Ghost. The pass was completed and I made it safely to my locker, but not without irreparable emotional damage. It was not an experience I want to repeat, but I will say- you haven't lived until you feel another man's back hair gently intertwine with your chest hair; more intimate than watching Ray Kinsella have a catch with his dad in Field of Dreams... Is this heaven? No its the men's locker room- don't touch me.
3. Finally- I'm getting dressed to go to work and I see 2 guys, (2!) using spray deodorant in the locker room. Not axe body spray, good ole Mennen aerosol deodorant. Is this the 1950's? Seriously, how many decades has it been since in the invention of roll-on/gel deodorant or even antiperspirant? Do these guys still smoke on airplanes, dictate memos to typewriter-wielding secretaries, drink bourbon at work and not let their wives speak unless spoken- except when announcing that dinner is ready? (I'm kidding on the last three, who doesn't still do those?) My message to those guys: Look, its not that I don't love watching you intimately crop dust each side of your nude torso in front of the community sinks, layering every piece of bathroom hardware (that I have to use) in a fine mist of scent-impregnated chemicals... and I can handle that diaper-fresh baby powder scent slowly creeping into every corner of the locker room, eventually invading my innocent nasal cavity... but when I can literally taste how clean your arm pits are- well that's where I would prefer to draw the line (or in your case- airbrush the line). But if that is how you want to play it, I'd like for you lick my deodorant stick a few times and then apply said helping to my armpit with your tongue, so you can get full experience. Unnecessary? Maybe. Poignant? In many ways. So please, unless you have a medical condition- lets stick with the regular roll-on. And lets face it, if you have medical condition with regard to sweating, you probably shouldn't be working out anyway. Especially around others, because most likely your condition is contagious, just like communism.
So I hit up the gym before work many week days... it ramps up my work day and forces me to perform a focused workout in 45 minutes... Here are a 3 things I came across just today that I feel the need to get off my chest, no pun intended (you'll see why)...
1. I'm walking from the toilet to my locker, after my lucky pre-workout bowel movement. I pass the urinals to see a grown man, fully nude standing at the urinals barefoot taking a wizz- with his towel around his shoulders. His hair is wet, which tells me he has already showered. This raises two important concerns:
A: why does his towel only need to dry his shoulders? Why not use it to dry (or at least cover) his wet, hairy ass cheeks that he is apparently so proud of? Look, I love gagging in public and having to avert my eyes around every possible corner as much as the next guy in the locker room. But if you're so proud of that specific body part, I'd imagine you'd want to take proper care of it. That's not the kind of gluteual-trophy you want to leave to the pitfalls of air-drying, lord only knows what kind of tangled mess could result without proper drying technique followed by detailed attention to combing (with the grain) using the 'my little pony' hair brush he stole from his theater-loving son.
B: He is barefoot standing at a urinal, post shower. We all know that despite our ability to aim when we pee, no man is perfect and there's also the 'dribble factor,' to account for. Having to control the flow of urine during drastic changes in pressure and trajectory is no easy feet; I'm not a fireman. So its safe to say the area all around the urinal is covered (at least partially) in urine- this tells me he is okay with (or oblivious to) spending the rest of the day with other mens' urine caked to the bottom of his feet, left to fester in the heat and moisture of a socked-foot within a shoe. Not really my business, but the observation simply reinforces my decision to own my own bowling shoes.
2. I'm walking back to my locker, clean and towel-clad following my post workout shower. When I come to my row of lockers I am faced with man-euvering past a half-naked old man- my favorite. Thanks to the economy-sized locker room, we have little room to execute a masculinely acceptable man-pass, even if both parties perform flawlessly. However, in this instance one party (not me) happens to be an octogenarian that is blinder and deafer than my parents 16-year-old Yorkshire Terrier (who has btw, earned the nickname "Terminator" over the last 3 years, because he just won't die). So I come up on this old man's blind side (like an invisible Lawrence Taylor) and I say 'excuse me.' Well, he doesn't see or hear me and continues about his business of getting naked before suiting up in his crusty old jock strap and bitchin racquetball tracksuit. As I pass, he obliviously leans back to remove his business socks and my chest makes tender, innocent contact with his upper back. 'Excuse me,' I say again; he jumps forward startled as though I were the ghost of Patrick Swazee and he Demi Moore- No we did not renact the sensual pot-throwing scene from Ghost. The pass was completed and I made it safely to my locker, but not without irreparable emotional damage. It was not an experience I want to repeat, but I will say- you haven't lived until you feel another man's back hair gently intertwine with your chest hair; more intimate than watching Ray Kinsella have a catch with his dad in Field of Dreams... Is this heaven? No its the men's locker room- don't touch me.
3. Finally- I'm getting dressed to go to work and I see 2 guys, (2!) using spray deodorant in the locker room. Not axe body spray, good ole Mennen aerosol deodorant. Is this the 1950's? Seriously, how many decades has it been since in the invention of roll-on/gel deodorant or even antiperspirant? Do these guys still smoke on airplanes, dictate memos to typewriter-wielding secretaries, drink bourbon at work and not let their wives speak unless spoken- except when announcing that dinner is ready? (I'm kidding on the last three, who doesn't still do those?) My message to those guys: Look, its not that I don't love watching you intimately crop dust each side of your nude torso in front of the community sinks, layering every piece of bathroom hardware (that I have to use) in a fine mist of scent-impregnated chemicals... and I can handle that diaper-fresh baby powder scent slowly creeping into every corner of the locker room, eventually invading my innocent nasal cavity... but when I can literally taste how clean your arm pits are- well that's where I would prefer to draw the line (or in your case- airbrush the line). But if that is how you want to play it, I'd like for you lick my deodorant stick a few times and then apply said helping to my armpit with your tongue, so you can get full experience. Unnecessary? Maybe. Poignant? In many ways. So please, unless you have a medical condition- lets stick with the regular roll-on. And lets face it, if you have medical condition with regard to sweating, you probably shouldn't be working out anyway. Especially around others, because most likely your condition is contagious, just like communism.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Deeper than the freshly Fallen Snow...
At times I have definitely felt like there is something missing in my life and I have tried to fill that gap with other things in the past. What I have discovered is that those other things only seemed to provide a momentary distraction/relief and eventually wore off. I think the true key to filling that gap is genuine happiness; from love, spirituality and living a positive life.
I think just a few nut-jobs have given Christianity a bad name, with their over-zealous lifestyles and belief-systems. It seems very hip these days to keep God at arms length and to write-off Christians as "Jesus freaks." I know there are plenty of people out there who ARE Jesus freaks, but it doesn't mean normal people can't have Christ in their lives or at least live a spiritually driven life.
Everything swings on a big proverbial "pendulum" and right now, religion is very 'out there' partly because it has become a partisan issue in the public eye (in my opinion). Eventually the pendulum will swing back, religion will shake this "extremist" reputation (in the states at least) and it will start bringing more and more people together- as it should. What people need to remember is that just because we are christian (or religious) doesn't mean we are automatically 'good' people. Spirituality should bring out the best in us and help us deal with everything else in us that isn't.
So yes, everyone will struggle and no one will be a perfect christian, that doesn't make us hypocrites for attending church or wanting/trying to be better people- it makes us human. If religion can bring out the goodness we all have in common as people and help us to accept all the other flaws we may carry, it could (and has, and will) unify vast amounts of people- that's an incredibly powerful possibility- excites me even to think about it.
At times I have definitely felt like there is something missing in my life and I have tried to fill that gap with other things in the past. What I have discovered is that those other things only seemed to provide a momentary distraction/relief and eventually wore off. I think the true key to filling that gap is genuine happiness; from love, spirituality and living a positive life.
I think just a few nut-jobs have given Christianity a bad name, with their over-zealous lifestyles and belief-systems. It seems very hip these days to keep God at arms length and to write-off Christians as "Jesus freaks." I know there are plenty of people out there who ARE Jesus freaks, but it doesn't mean normal people can't have Christ in their lives or at least live a spiritually driven life.
Everything swings on a big proverbial "pendulum" and right now, religion is very 'out there' partly because it has become a partisan issue in the public eye (in my opinion). Eventually the pendulum will swing back, religion will shake this "extremist" reputation (in the states at least) and it will start bringing more and more people together- as it should. What people need to remember is that just because we are christian (or religious) doesn't mean we are automatically 'good' people. Spirituality should bring out the best in us and help us deal with everything else in us that isn't.
So yes, everyone will struggle and no one will be a perfect christian, that doesn't make us hypocrites for attending church or wanting/trying to be better people- it makes us human. If religion can bring out the goodness we all have in common as people and help us to accept all the other flaws we may carry, it could (and has, and will) unify vast amounts of people- that's an incredibly powerful possibility- excites me even to think about it.
Friday, January 14, 2011
On a Going Forward Basis...
"On a going forward basis" that was one of my LEAST favorite corporate catch-phrases when I worked for a big company. On a going forward basis? What's wrong with the classic "From now on"? Its shorter, more efficient, more easily understandable and therefore more effective.
I think I'll start making up corporate catch-phrases that make little-to-no sense and see if I can get them to float. Let's start simple and get more and more absurd as we go. The idea is to infect the entire office and eventually get others to use your lingo. The best part is, you can use your lingo in any situation, because it should never make sense. As long as it is said with confidence and not dwelt upon, it will simply be understood within the context its used.
It could actually be a competitive office game, and the higher up the person is that uses your phrase, the higher your rank. Whomever gets the big boss to parrot his or her slogan first wins. Wins what, you ask? How 'bout a few hours of happy, interesting work day hours in a sea miserable time-wasting monotony and boredom- sounds good to me. But if you get busted or called out, you're out of the game and are sworn to secrecy... on a going forward basis.
Feel free to post your 'office garble' suggestions; here are a few I like:
"incentivize out-of-the-box solutions"
"keep now under a time-scrutiny basis"
"lets monetize our focus on frictionless action items"
"incubate efficient e-commerce synergies"
"visualize sexy web-readiness"
Page Title
"On a going forward basis" that was one of my LEAST favorite corporate catch-phrases when I worked for a big company. On a going forward basis? What's wrong with the classic "From now on"? Its shorter, more efficient, more easily understandable and therefore more effective.
I think I'll start making up corporate catch-phrases that make little-to-no sense and see if I can get them to float. Let's start simple and get more and more absurd as we go. The idea is to infect the entire office and eventually get others to use your lingo. The best part is, you can use your lingo in any situation, because it should never make sense. As long as it is said with confidence and not dwelt upon, it will simply be understood within the context its used.
It could actually be a competitive office game, and the higher up the person is that uses your phrase, the higher your rank. Whomever gets the big boss to parrot his or her slogan first wins. Wins what, you ask? How 'bout a few hours of happy, interesting work day hours in a sea miserable time-wasting monotony and boredom- sounds good to me. But if you get busted or called out, you're out of the game and are sworn to secrecy... on a going forward basis.
Feel free to post your 'office garble' suggestions; here are a few I like:
"incentivize out-of-the-box solutions"
"keep now under a time-scrutiny basis"
"lets monetize our focus on frictionless action items"
"incubate efficient e-commerce synergies"
"visualize sexy web-readiness"
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