WORK HAPPENS

This hilarious tale was sent to me by a friend of mine, read and enjoy...

So I work in a pretty small office, as the company I work for only has 8 on-site employees. Without giving anything away, it just so happens that the floor plan has all the offices centered around the bathrooms. The atmosphere here is a friendly one, and no one has their office doors closed- ever.

The two bathrooms at the center of the office are singles, with only one door separating the private rooms from the outside world. In my opinion, there is a little too much space between the floor and the bottoms of the bathroom doors, allowing an uncomfortable amount of sound to escape from these temporary work havens. From my desk I can hear the sink, the paper towel dispenser and the toilet flush pretty easily, though never any bodily functions to this point.

So its Tuesday and 930 am strikes, this means one thing for me- time for a duece break. I grab my cellphone, the latest issue of Newsweek and head for the jon. So I'm in the bathroom doing my business, keeping it down, relaxing and relieving myself of last night's lasagna and pineapple upside down cake -along with the occasional gas pocket- letting it slip quietly into toilet below. Once I'm all set, I finish the featured article about how America needs to start spending again and stop hording their money, and I reach for the T.P.

Side Note: My method of post-# 2 clean up involves leaning on one cheek, and raising the other off the toilet seat in order get an appropriate angle on the wiping area. One downfall of this approach, is that it exposes the balloon knot to the outside world- no longer contained by the muffled safety of the porcelain bowl. The second -and less common- risk is that it puts the wiping hand directly in harms way.

So here I am, leaning on my left cheek and cocking my hips to raise my right cheek up and reaching under with a fist full of two-ply. When at this vulnerable angle, in this little bathroom, in a quiet office for all to hear, a leftover armada of gas emerges at full force. Have you ever watched someone trying to get their hands to their face in time to cover a sneeze, but they don't make it and flem goes spraying everywhere... I let rip just one giant fart that seemed to all come out in one burst, sounding like the bark a veloca raptor and feeling as wide as a mayonnaise jar- The fart echos off the walls in the bathroom. Not only is it big and loud, but apparently wet. I suddenly realize, the remnants of my prior procedure are now sprayed all over my innocent generic charmin-wielding hand.

Torn between the embarrassment of being a grown man that has just splouched on his hand and being the new guy at work that just let a giant meaty fart rip for all my office to hear, I waddle around the bathroom washing, wiping and wallowing. Once I'm finished cleaning hands, cheeks, toilet seats, etc... I quietly turn the light off in the bathroom and open the door, I hold my head high and walk cautiously back to my desk.

As I pass my boss's office, I hold my breath and wait for him to make a comment (He is the closest to the bathroom, and a total jokester). As it turns out, he has a customer in the office they've been talking the whole time, hopefully they didn't hear me. Two steps past his door, I'm sure I'm in the clear and I let out a sigh of relief. But then he yells at me to come back and meet the customer. He introduces me and I reach out with my freshly cleaned, but recently sh*t on hand, and shake with the gentleman. After some light conversation, I bid them adieu and walk back to my desk. I sit down, rattled but relieved. I have a drink of water and think to myself- well, it could have been worse...

Still alive and kicking, just been on hiatus for about a year. More to come...

MR. BUN-BUN TIES THE KNOT!

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Charles Barrett Kroll. My good friend and high school home-skillet Barrett, announced to me Sunday, that on Saturday January, 7th 2006 he proposed to his girlfriend and now finance' Abby(sp) in his flat in Kansas City. The tentative date for the wedding is August of 2006. Congratulations to both of you on this wonderful occassion, I'm looking forward to the bachelor party...

I would like to direct your attention to a site called www.topleftpixel.com. This site has pictures taken by a gentleman from Canada, archived and updated daily as far as I know. Let me just say they are "scrumtralescent." Please do yourself a favor and check it out. It will give you a chance to pause and take a moment to enjoy the world we live in.

[daily dose of Imagery]
Courtesy of topleftpixel.com